Galentine’s Day has passed, and Valentine’s Day is upon us. Sure, the chocolates are nice, but if you’re single, it can seem as if everyone is trying to remind you of that fact. If that’s the case, then I’d say your best bet for Valentine’s Day is loving the one person who should never let you down: you. Self-care is key, whatever that means for you. I plan to do a face mask – and watch movies, as always. The problem is, so many movies feature romance. When the whole point of watching them is to forget you’re single, what can you watch? Follow me on my journey to see if I can find any films that allow you to leave behind all notions of romance for a few hours.
First Attempt: What We Do in the Shadows
What do vampires and werewolves have to do with love? Besides Twilight and… all the other vampire/werewolf flicks and shows that center on romance, most supernaturally themed films do not involve romance. Plus, this one is a comedy – it’s bound to do the trick.
At least, that’s what I thought.
This mockumentary was released in 2014 and stars Jemaine Clement and Taika Waititi. The story follows four vampires (Viago, Vladislav, Deacon, and Petyr) who share a flat in the capital city of New Zealand. While the lethal threat of sunlight has prevented them from modernizing their lifestyles with the times, the arrival of a newcomer, Nick, gives them the tools needed to retain the things they’ve lost and “catch up.” However, when Viago and Vladislav begin to share the tales of their past girlfriends and lovers, I couldn’t help but think that this would preclude the goal of forgetting your dating life (or lack thereof). When the spinoff television series premiers, be sure to give this world a try. But for Valentine’s Day, it’s a bit much.
Second Attempt: Raiders of the Lost Ark
Thus, I flee to a nostalgic choice. Indiana Jones and I share a nickname, and that’s about all I remembered of this beloved character. Released in 1981 and later retconned to be Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark, this film spawned a franchise and created an icon. After all, what middle school band hasn’t played Indiana Jones’ iconic theme?
Set in 1936, this film follows archaeologist Dr. Henry Walton “Indiana” Jones, Jr. as he sets out to recover the Ark of the Covenant to prevent the magical artifact from falling into the hands of Nazis. With an electrifying introductory action sequence of Indiana evading booby traps and enemies as well as the sheer mystique of his quest, I was excited to settle into the film. Of course, the first person he goes to find is the daughter of his old instructor and, coincidentally, his old flame, Marion Ravenwood. Yikes, click!
Third Attempt: Bad Times at the El-Royale
I was actually extremely excited to see this when it was released late last year. Unfortunately, I only just saw it for the first time. Billed as a neo-noir thriller, Bad Times at the El-Royale strikes me more as a melodrama that creates more confusion than it can clarify. Still, I was excited to see Chris Hemsworth and Cailee Spaeny on the big screen, and there seemed to be no romance in sight. The film follows four strangers whose fates intertwine in their meeting at the El Royale hotel, straddling California and Nevada. From the very start they are forced to make black and white choices: California or Nevada, this room or that room, stay or leave.
As interesting as the premise and the hotel’s ominous dilapidation were, the constant build-up and lack of resolution began to wear me out after a while. After an extensive tour of the El Royale’s honeymoon suite and a tense phone call home to one of the strangers’ wife and daughter, I knew it was not meant to be. This one failed not for featuring romance, but for just being a truly odd choice for Valentine’s Day. It’s definitely worth watching in full when you have time to break down every individual piece and overthink it all, but it doesn’t suit the current cause.
Fourth Attempt: Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Besides Tony Stark, most of the early MCU’s heroes don’t have significant others that have remained in the picture. This one should be safe. Released in 2014, Captain America: The Winter Soldier is the only film to date that I have seen in theatres more than once and is still one of the more popular films in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. The film takes place a few years after the Battle of New York. Steve is working for S.H.I.E.LD. while attempting to adjust to life in the modern day. After learning about a menacing secret project and an ambush by the titular Winter Soldier, Steve enlists Natasha Romanoff and his new friend Sam Wilson to stop this project before it can be enacted.
This really is an excellent film. It deftly weaves older cinematic tropes into a popular movement while seamlessly introducing several new characters to the franchise. However, that still couldn’t prepare me for the spontaneous PDA between Natasha and Steve relatively early on in the film. It is intentionally done as a distraction – but with very little warning, the movie no longer makes the cut for a distraction.
Fifth Attempt: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
Ah. Need I say more? For a few blessed movies, we escape romance. Just magic, and for some of us, a visit back to our favorite fictional home away from home. At least, it stays that way until we get to, like, the fourth film, and everyone’s trying to figure out the Yule Ball dates. But after all these attempts, a few films sans romance seem good enough.
Well, I hope you enjoyed this romp through romance-less movies. At risk of being cheesier than a couple’s Instagram posts on Valentine’s Day, the truth of the matter is that it doesn’t matter whether you’re single or not this time of year. What matters is that the next day, all of the Valentine’s candy is going to go on sale. And that makes everything worth it.
Indira Ramgolam is a freshman in Columbia College.